our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just googled if crying burns calories
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
