we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
BRING THE BAGELS
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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