Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
