I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
3pm strippers are depressing
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
