It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
