Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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