It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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