i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
