What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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