Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
