Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
