New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
