Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we're making bets on your personal life
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
