I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
