Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
