MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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