Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
