Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
