I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
