Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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