The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Randomize
