dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
