I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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