1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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