She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
