The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
