he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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