Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
