the condom got lost in my hair
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
