The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
