I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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