Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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