i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Life is so much better after having sex.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
