i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
