It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
