remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
