The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
