Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
