Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
