dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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