I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
