ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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