i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
