You're my little dorito
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
