So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
