I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
