perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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