By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
