I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
