Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
