you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
