So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
